Bigla kaming nagkalaboan ni bb. Di ko nga alam kung bakit, basta yun yung nangyari e. it seems like he isnt as concerned as he used to, na he doesnt want me in his thoughts, na he doesnt want me to know what he’s thinking of… Yung parang nagpipigil siya, di ko alam why. Hanggang sa medyo nagkatampohan kami… Yan tuloy… Lagi siya nasa isip ko. Pero bahala na, i think mas maganda nga na bigyan namin ng space ang isa’t isa. Mas malalaman namin how to handle our feelings and what we really do feel.

Surprisingly, after two days, my boyfriend came up to me to talk to me. He even messaged me the day after our monthsary, and said “i miss you”.

He told me how I looked fine, and how I was even laughing with other boys and other girls. So i said, “but you look fine too” and he says, “no, i’m really not”. Then he asked me if we were okay and everything, and I said i didn’t know. Tapos, teary-eyed na siya. He started to tear up, i couldnt help but smile which turned into a small giggle kasi he looked like a little kid crying infront of me. He looked so vulnerable, and he looked like a little boy :( Haha di ko nakaya. In the end, medyo naging okay naman kami. He said sorry, and he said he misses me and loves me. And when we still didn’t know what to do with our relationship, he said “i love you” suddenly. And i was like, “dont tell me that.. Di pa to maayos” and he was like but i do. Tapos he also said “nung 8th ba… Nakalimutan mo na monthsary natin? Kasi ako, i didn’t” it made me smile and sad na din kasi he didn’t even try talking or greeting me atleast. But i guess i’m glad we’re talking again. Oh he also said how nagseselos siya over this one guy kasi nga when we weren’t talking i was talking to “enchong” and that’s when he started tearing up… He was like, “why did you have to lean on someone else.., why can’t it just be your brother?” Hahaha nagselos. =))) tapos he was like, “do you still love me?” Parang bata talaga. I’m thankful that he talked to me though. Sana maayos na ang lahat….. Mabalik sa dati, or if not, better :) Thank You Lord :)

Nuxx parang ang sweet ng title ko noh? Pero sa totoo lang, walang happy dapat. I mean, who spends their monthsary fighting and not talking? I guess that’s us. I don’t know if he forgot lang, or if wala lang talaga siyang pakialam. pano ba to lahat nagsimula? Well, he didn’t reply for 2 hours. Tapos nainis ako, so yun. Hanggang sinabi ko sa kanya na nagsasawa na ako na lagi kaming ganoon. So yun di niya na ako kinausap. Pero okay lang, i mean, 11 months lang naman yun diba? di naman mandatory na magkasama kami or magusap kami. Maybe we need this break anyway. I think I need a break, to recharge and to think about everything about our relationship.

Sa totoo lang, with the 11 months, so much things have changed. I don’t know if it’s feelings, or it’s just the way we are. Nawalan kami ng effort, nawalan kami ng time, nawalan kami ng pagkasweet. Nakakalungkot nga e. Nakakamiss yung days na we’ll stay up for so long tapos we’ll talk about anything and everything. Nakakamiss yung gusto niya sabay kami matulog. Nakakamiss yung good morning baby messages, or yung random i love you messages. nakakamiss yung nasa sakin yung attention palagi, hindi yung kailangan may kahati. Hindi ko alam kung sobrang nagtatampo lang ako, pero hindi din naman. Syempre may karapatan naman ako magtampo.. Nakakalungkot nga e. Di ko na alam gagawin ko. Pero siguro tama na naman to diba? I mean, it’s better than a break up? It’s good to think about things… but right now, ang nasa isip ko lang is… aabot pa ba kami ng 12 months? and if we did, ganito lang ba ulit? walang time, walang effort.. kasi di naman na relationship yun. di na nga niya ako naiintindihan e.. sobrang nakakalungkot. bahala na. basta kahit na di magkasama or nagkausap, happy 11 months baby. hope all was well with you today. i’ll talk to you when we’re both ready. we need this time and space naman to think about our relationship anyway.

Tell me how my heart started beating so fast when I heard your voice but never got to see a glimpse of you. That is the weirdest thing of life. Oh my. We didn’t talk last night, and I thought I didn’t miss you, then I heard your voice and ugh :( My feels why why why :( I hate you whyyyyyyy :(

I told myself to not get attached to you, but i failed. I am so torn because I know what I have to do, but that’s not what I want. Actually, all of this is wrong - the way I feel whatever this is. I wanna be around you, i wanna talk to you, i want to take care of you, and i want to feel you taking care of me. But why would i need that from you? There’s someone who’s supposed to be doing that in my life already. Ahhhhh ginugulo mo ng sobra isip ko bb. Di ko maintidihan kung bakit ganito. Kailangan ko na lumayo sayo pero hirap na hirap ako. Sana pwede na lang dalawa mahalin noh? Feeling ko gusto na kita e, lagi kitang iniisip… The first and last thing ive been thinking about lately. Ayaw mo lubayan isip ko. Gusto ko na when I see you, magkasama agad tayo. And you know whats worst? Ikaw ang gusto ko makasama pag pumunta ako sa Uni.. Guilty ako na iniisip ko na sana wag na lang pumunta dun si _____ WHICH IS SO WRONG. Mali to e, mali to lahat. Kailangan na talaga itigil to, whatever this is. Lord help me huhuhu 😭😭😭😭